A Win is a Win...Or is It?
I’ve talked a lot before about how I don’t do well at weddings or rather, how I don’t do them at all. I'll never forget it...
Everyone was so happy, I got the kids to where they needed to be and I took my seat next to my brother and sister in law. I had some anxiety leading up to this wedding not really sure how it would go but based on the uncontrollable sobbing that occurred at the one prior, there was definitely some apprehension. I waved over my youngest brother when I saw him walk through the back doors, I turned back around to look at the front where the ceremony would take place and then it happened like a shovel to my face. Everything got quiet and all I could hear was the soft playing of wedding music and I KNEW I HAD 2 CHOICES. I could sit there and start crying before the ceremony even started OR I could save myself from the unbearable pain in the pit of my stomach (and the embarrassment of ugly crying) for the next 40 mins.
Yeah, I definitely chose to leave. I stood right up and walked out right there before the first groomsmen even had the chance to walk in. Before I got to see my own girls walk down the aisle. I headed straight for the bar, since at that point in time alcohol seemed to be the ONLY thing that made it feel temporarily better. I WAS SITTING IN A BAR while my daughters were walking down the aisle of my STEP SISTERS wedding because it hurt ME too much to stay. I attempted to do the reception but every time there was a sweet moment, I would feel it and run back to the hotel bar again.
I haven’t made it to a wedding since then. That is, until last night. I have been invited to many other weddings and either attempted and failed or just hard passed from the beginning. That’s right, I did it. I finally made it through a wedding last night. But I have to tell you it wasn’t without tragedy. First I have to share that this wedding was the most beautiful wedding I have ever been to in my life. I arrived at the wedding by myself, as I do most things. I say this only to remind you that I am normal and sane on a day to day basis and can function, perhaps even enjoy being alone at times so this part is not a big deal for me. Anyway, I find an empty seat located next to my cousin and some of his friends so, even better! The music is playing and somehow I am doing well! I can’t remember exactly when it started but I felt it coming, all the sadness and grief and weight, and in that moment I did what any other psychopath would do...I started thinking about terrible, horrible, tragic and unspeakable things.
Yep, you read that right. I, Catie Cable, am a God fearing, grandma lovin’, smile at strangers, psychopath. Right there, in the middle of what is supposed to signify the most pure form of love and light and happiness, I am thinking about drowning kittens and nuclear warfare and kids with cancer and the holocaust. I just turned to Josh and started listing all of these terrible things. He looked at me shocked and worried, of course...but he went along with it. He just sat there with me quietly naming dozens of dark, demonic things that are far worse than going through a divorce, worse than being alone at a wedding, worse than anything I am going through...and then it passed.
Believe me when I tell you, that moment of darkness is not something that I am taking lightly. I obviously still have some healing to do. It also means that I am human. It’s been over a year since I could attend a wedding at all. Weddings used to be things I looked forward to. Getting dressed up, music and dancing...yes please! So I guess at this point I will take my small moments of madness getting me through the ceremony so that I can enjoy the rest of the wedding. Maybe someday I’ll be able to do it without wondering if I need to check myself into a psych ward.
Cheers to progress...I think