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  • Cate Cable

Divorce and Death

Updated: Aug 2

“ I think we feel it most at night because at the end of the day, our hearts just want to be home but our homes aren’t always a place.” 

When you get divorced, you will hear all kinds of things about how you grieve it like you would a death. The stages and emotions you go through when a loved one passes away. I never really felt like this applied to me because Cole was and is still such a big part of our lives. Of course I went through the stages of grief, but I did half of them while I was still living with him at home. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The first three were done...I was in denial right up until the point my brother showed up our house with a moving trailer and started loading things in it. I was angry my ex wasn’t trying like I thought he should be. I was angry that I wasn’t doing the right things to make him love me, I was angry that I had stayed so long and angry that he lied to me. I’m not big on bargaining, but I know that there were pretty emotional moments over those last few months. Figuring everything out, how everything would work. That leaves me with depression and acceptance. Depression is a big one, a heavy one. One that everyone expects but no one really can handle. Heads up for anyone considering divorce, people will tell you that it’s okay to be sad, until you are. You get very little time to be sad before people start expecting you to have it all together again. They don’t mean to rush you or make you feel like you’re doing something wrong. I really think they just don’t know what to say. They hate seeing you like this and even though they knew it was going to happen, that it’s no wonder why you’re sad…the amount of sad is nothing that anyone ever expected. Well I didn’t know this at the time, I kept thinking I was good and in some ways I definitely was getting better, but I was absolutely not good.  The strange part is that I really had accepted it. For me they kind of went hand in hand. I always thought it was strange that I never once called him late at night (or any time of day for that matter) telling him I missed him and wanted him back. I accepted it the moment he let me walk out the door. But that acceptance piece really doesn’t make it hurt less. Feeling unloved is feeling unloved. Recently my salon had a Grand Opening party and I was doing fine until out of nowhere I wasn’t. That’s when I figured it out. I don’t have a person…Cole was my person, and he’s gone. Like death, he’s not there anymore. And not to minimize women who have actually lost their husbands because that is an unimaginable loss that I cannot begin to understand. But this is a loss as well, I no longer have him I only have me. I have to learn that as envious as I may be about the relationships others have with the people closest to them, that it doesn’t mean I’m not enough. It doesn’t mean I’m in lack, or as unlovable as it feels sometimes. It just means that I get to continue to take care of myself and be the strong independent woman that I am. I don’t know why I was given this particular life. A life where I’m not particularly close with either of my parents, I don’t have a biological sister that was by default my best friend. Yeah of course I have amazing friends that have been there for me in some of the hardest times, but it’s not the same as having that one person that you know will show up literally day or night for you. Someone who chose this life with you. Who helps you when your kids are sick or when you just need someone to hug you and tell you it’s going to be okay. Losing that person definitely feels like a death. Like anything I can choose to focus on the bad or focus on the good. What I feed is what will continue to grow. Focus on the fact that my person is gone or that my person gave me the greatest joy in my life. That I come home to an empty house every other week or I come home to 3 incredible children every other week. That I failed at my marriage or that I learned so much about my failures that I can actually have the chance to be happy moving forward. I may not know what the future holds but I do know that I will not let the end of our marriage be the end of my spirit.  xo Cate 

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734-639-4559

Ann Arbor, MI

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