Today Is A New Day
“I’m a huge fan of who I’m becoming. She’s good, she’s happy, she’s doing great things. I like her.”
This was the caption to my IG photo that I posted roughly 24 hours ago and I promise I meant every word of it…then.
But today is a new day.
Today I was in tears on the way to school with the kids this morning. They were happy tears. Tears of gratefulness, but none the less tears…a sign of strong emotion. The girls are on a Christmas music kick, Avery was belting it out like Beyonce in the back and there they came. You see last year the only Christmas music that got played in my house was that of the techno/hip hop nature (yes there is such a thing). Last year I was grieving the loss of my family as I knew it and the last thing I wanted to do was hear was Mariah singing “All I want for Christmas is You”. This year, bring it on! Give me all the music…but hearing little Avery in the back did something to my heart that I just couldn’t contain.
The teary feeling continued but I just assumed it was leftover from that until I realized that I was kind of an emotional hurricane today. The condo that I fell in love with, fell into the arms of someone else. Remember that I am Positive Patsy so I know that it will all work out exactly as it is supposed to. This constant reminder to myself made me feel much calmer…at first.
Somehow throughout the day I just kept getting hit with all these big emotions. This is me, I own who am…but none the less a new version of ‘me’. Let me explain; I’m a cancer and the oldest child in a divorced family…so yeah I can get a little emotional. The new part is learning to NOT hate myself for it and bury all those feelings deep, deep down under whiskey and work and forget they were ever there.
Loving me means loving all of me, even the messy parts. I’M EMOTIONAL AF SOMETIMES. The thing is that it used to just come out in the form of anxiety and frustration with Cole and the kids. Now it just comes out however, in the form of an actual true feeling, whatever that may be for the moment.
Today there was a lot of bitterness and distress. Those are pretty heavy and weak emotions that are hard to love. Most days I am grateful and happy and will gladly spread my joy with the world.
But here I sit with my salad and 2nd glass of whiskey wanting to remind you that even the most positive person still has their day to be blue. This is real, this is life; one day is up (hopefully more often than not) and then the next is down. It’s human to feel everything as it comes, I think it may be the only downside to all of my mental healing and clarity. But then again it can you really call it a downside when I get to experience all the incredible happy emotions that I didn’t get to experience before too?
The goal is to recognize it, own it, honor it and then move on from it when you are ready. Heavy emotions have a purpose and are meant to be felt but they are not meant to be sat in for days on end. But when you find yourself in those moments of low frequency, know you aren’t alone. Know you can rise up when you are ready, that all you have to do is decide. Remember tomorrow is a new day too. xoxo Catie